I Knew

I knew you were okay

I knew you had been in an accident

I checked my phone to see twenty missed calls

Fear.

I knew you were okay

I knew you were on your way to cricket

We had argued that day

Regret.

I knew you were okay

I cooked you tea

But you ate alone... I’m so sorry

Stubborn.

I knew you were okay

But I was angry

I was eighteen years old, that’s not a valid excuse

Endless.

I knew you were okay

I knew mum was racing to get to me

I knew my brother was rushing home

I waited for them

Impatient.

A knock at the door

I saw their green coats

Not for a second did I worry

Because I knew you were okay

Hopeful.

I opened the door

”I know, I know, I know...

he’s been in an accident but he’s getting help”

Confusion.

They froze

They asked if they could come in

Could I take a seat, I should sit down

I knew because I checked my phone to see twenty missed calls

You were getting help

Silence.

They told me

They told me you had been in an accident

They told me you died

There was nothing they could do

Silence.

I thought you were okay

I didn’t know

I was so convinced I knew

But I didn’t know.

By Alice Godber